OMF Blog
People and Relationships
- Thursday 31 January 2008You are not Chinese
Chinese regard their own nation as ‘the middle kingdom’. The rest of us, historically speaking, are barbarians and uncivilised. If you are lucky enough to live in China, you will be treated as an honoured guest, because that is polite. However, the Chinese may also feel a little sorry for you that you are not Chinese, and therefore a slightly lesser human being. An illustration for this: you and your Chinese friends are sharing a taxi to your various different homes. Yours is the first. The taxi driver is lost. However good your Chinese, the driver won’t think of asking you the way. Instead, he will ask your friends, and failing that, he will call out to random strangers on the street. They – at least – are Chinese.
Be humble
If you are an extrovert, you must exercise self-control in China. In a group situation you may be in the habit of loudly cracking jokes as a sign of friendliness, but if you are not the host or the guest of honour, keep your voice down. Forget the wisecracks - the Chinese won’t understand them. Don’t talk about your job or your home country unless asked to. In coming to China your status will have changed. At home you may be a high-powered graduate, a teacher or a business executive, accustomed to being the centre of attention and giving your opinions with authority, but in Chinese society you are like a child, unimportant, unable to communicate, and with no place in the social hierarchy. Check your body language and conversational habits and adjust them accordingly. Practise humility in social situations, and one day someone may say to you, “Friend, come up higher”.
Guanxi
Chinese are skilled at personal relationships, and they are all-important in their life. An employee may be demoted for having ‘bad relationships’ with his colleagues in the office, irrespective of how well he performs his duties. Guanxi is the Chinese term for relationships, networking and the complex and crucial art of offering and receiving favours.
Being observed
You will be carefully watched to find out what sort of person you are, whether you are trustworthy, hardworking, and good at your job. They will look to see if you are ‘friendly’, i.e. towards the Chinese people, and whether you are trying to become a civilised person by learning Chinese good manners and studying the language. They will note how you relate to your colleagues or students. They will be in no hurry to trust you with information or confidences. But in time you may gain some genuine and lasting friends.
If you are a teacher, a Chinese teacher will be sent along to observe your class, of course without telling you. You may be informed that ‘the students like you’, which means that your teaching is satisfactory or good. If you are offered a hint about doing something differently, you should take it seriously, even though it is presented as a casual suggestion.
Group Culture
Chinese society sees everyone as a member of a group. This is a big difference from British (Cartesian) culture, in which an individual is only responsible to himself, and what his colleagues do or don’t do is none of his business. All the foreigners in a business or university or school in China will be considered as a group. Reprehensible conduct on the part of any one will give all in the group a bad reputation, at least partly because the others failed to prevent the loss of face and spoiled relationships. Should your fellow-countryman be doing something wrong, it may be commented on to you, as a request that you should do something about it.
Relating to a teacher
A good relationship with your teacher is naturally important. Confucius said, “If anyone brings the smallest token of appreciation, have I ever refused to teach him?” If you go to your teacher’s home for tuition, show your respect for your teacher by usually taking a small gift, a packet of biscuits, for example. If the tuition is at your home, the glass of water or tea is essential, and some fruit or nibbles – remember to press him/her to eat some – are like the gift. There is no need to be embarrassed about making the payment. Offer it, with two hands, at the conclusion of the lesson. If you attend a class in a language school or university, a gift to celebrate a festival or holiday will be appropriate.
Using a middle person
If you want someone to do something for you, for example, to give you Chinese lessons, or to be your ‘house-helper’ or cleaner, don’t approach them directly. The tactful, civilised Chinese way is to ask a third party to ask on your behalf. That way, they are not put in the position of having to say ‘no’ to you directly if they can’t or don’t want to do it; and if money is involved, it can be mentioned discreetly. Chinese people are accustomed to being the helpful middleman in such matters. If you ask the right person, in the right way, it is amazing how easily things can work out.
A consequence of this indirectness and middleman thinking is that a casual comment may be taken as a request from you for help. So if you remark by way of chit-chat to your Chinese colleague that you have a problem, they may think you are asking them to do something about it for you.
When you grumble about a person or a department or your work, your comments are sure to be passed on, and not necessarily to someone who will make good, kind, and tactful use of the information. They may take some action you didn’t want or expect. Any sort of criticism of your hosts will come across as bad manners. So never whinge to a Chinese colleague or student unless you know him/her very well.
Some expats acquire a bad reputation for grumbling all the time. The foreigners’ office try to look after you as well as they can, and if all they get is aggro and complaints and never a ‘thank you’ or a word of appreciation for their efforts … well, how would you feel?