Greetings and gifts

Greeting guests

When greeting a guest, whether someone who drops in your office, or an invited visitor, it is normal to stand up, shake hands, invite them to sit down, and give them a drink. Give it even if they say they don’t want one. The drink may be hot or cold water, it does not have to be tea or coffee or juice. A Chinese handshake is often a bit longer than a British one. If you are introduced to several people, shake hands with everyone. If given a name card, receive it with both hands, and read it before putting it in your pocket.

Receiving gifts

When offered a gift, Chinese will usually try to refuse, saying that it is not necessary. Traditionally, most Chinese will never open a present in the presence of the giver (thereby saving the giver’s ‘face’ if the gift is not suitable). Also, do not expect the receiver to comment on the gift afterwards. The expression of thanks lies not so much in whether the recipient says ‘Thank you’, but in what he does in repaying a favour or in giving a gift of equivalent value. This also applies when you receive a gift – never accept a gift or favour if you are not ready to reciprocate. You will be considered impolite in Chinese society if you accept something on first offer. Historically, this was a means to cover up a lowly family background – you must refuse so as not to show that you lack something in your family – another aspect of saving face. So if someone offers you something to drink, or gives you something to eat, the expected thing is to politely decline, or at most, just to pick at the food. Thus, when visiting a home it is polite to refuse tea or food when it is first offered. Then when pressed, you may accept. However, when you are with Westernised Chinese, they may not expect you to observe that, so you have a problem - if you refuse, you may not get it! Sometimes, to a Westerner, Chinese seem to be angrier at each other than polite, and waste a lot of time in their volleying of offers and refusals. It can take three or four rounds before something is settled! Patience is a big part of politeness in China.

Admire, but avoid excessive praise of any object belonging to Chinese friends. They may feel they have to give it to you.

Suitable presents

Anything from the UK and identifiably English is acceptable. Postcards or coins for children, a mug with a university crest for a student, a university tie for a teacher, the better-quality sort of souvenir you get in National Trust shops for someone who has given you a present or done you a favour. Chocolates are OK. The (small) supermarket will gift-wrap them if you ask a friendly shop assistant nicely. Wrap presents in red paper or at least tie with red ribbon and stick on a red bow. If you are in a position of having to give a present to someone who is wealthy and has treated you accordingly, you may want a ‘bigger’ gift. A coffee-table book – in English – with pictures of stately homes or scenery compliments your friend on his/her education and sophistication. Leave the price mark in, and when they calculate the price from the exchange rate it will be expensive. Do not ‘give a clock’ as a present - it sounds like ‘attend a funeral’.

Gifts for a meal

If invited to a home for a meal, it is a courtesy to take a small gift such as fruit. It should be about 2 kilos, a large quantity by our standards, of best quality fresh fruit, e.g. oranges. A class of students were asked for advice; they confirmed 2 kilos would be right, and also suggested 200 cigarettes (although you may not consider this appropriate), flowers, or a bottle of Great Wall (not French) wine (again, probably inappropriate). To make more of the present, you can have a nice selection from the fruit shop in a basket with ribbons. Traditionally, flowers are only for hospitals or funerals, but times are changing. Still, don’t give yellow and white chrysanthemums. When certain fruits are in season and therefore cheap, people give each other large red boxes of them.

Most Chinese go shoeless in the home and expect visitors to do likewise. After you remove your shoes they may offer you a pair of slippers or sandals

Saying 'No' to requests

Be careful about making a direct refusal. Replying at once, “No, I’m sorry I can’t” in response to a serious request, is like a blow in the face. So if you are asked, for example, at a meal to which you have been invited, to give tuition to a child, and it is out of the question, do not reply immediately. Your non-response says there is a problem. Talk about something else for a while, then bring up the matter and say there is a difficulty. Your ‘problem’ with the request does not have to be the full or exact truth. A Chinese faced with a similar situation, especially if asked in English and not knowing how to refuse politely, might say ‘OK’ but when the time came would send you the negative message by taking no action and making excuses; but we do not recommend this approach!

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