OMF Blog
Conversation
- Thursday 31 January 2008Talking with strangers
Certain standard questions are asked as a polite way to converse with a stranger. You often get asked about differences between British and Chinese culture, or why you have come to China, but they do not expect a long explanation. Just say, for example, China is developing fast, or that you have good Chinese friends at home, so you wanted to visit their country.
If asked what you think about China, do not comment on anything you find annoying, peculiar, strange or embarrassing. Instead, remark on the beautiful gardens and parks everywhere. Mildly exaggerated praise will be considered good manners. As a matter of good manners, don’t volunteer anything that suggests Britain or the US is more advanced, wealthier or better in any way.
‘I want to improve my English, may I be your friend?’ There is no need to be embarrassed. Treat it as a set phrase, like ‘How do you do?’ Reply, ‘Yes, are you a student?’ If asked for your phone number, you can ignore the question, or give an office number. Don’t be offended if questions seem inquisitive, or not suited to your status. They are intended to convey friendliness. Get the feeling, never mind the words.
When asked if you like Chinese food, the correct answer is to say that you like it very much. You can say you find the local food rather spicy – they will laugh, of course - but there is no need to say you don’t like MSG or the live fish or terrapins in the tank in the restaurant, or that putting raw meat into the hotpot is strange to you.
Talking about home
Most Chinese have no chance of going to the UK or the US, and are not that interested in being told about the place. Try not to give information about your home country until you are asked, and you will be surprised how long you have to wait! Requests for comparisons may be made by way of conversation rather than to obtain information, so don’t oversupply it. Never correct anyone directly. If you are told that London is always foggy, (i.e. before coal fires were banned in 1952), what does it matter? A good relationship is far more important than mere facts. Always compliment your friends on their English; even if it is barely intelligible, say, “Your English is very good,” and if you can say it in Chinese, so much the better. As good manners, Chinese tell any foreigner who says five words of Chinese that they speak it very well.
Pointing
Don’t point to things and laugh or smile. This is very important, because, as you will observe, Chinese frequently indicate the foreigner and make a critical remark and laugh, so they know exactly what you are doing. Enjoy life and sightseeing and be cheerful, but don’t make jokes about anything Chinese in public. Learn to point with your chin and make your humorous comment with a straight face, because there are people everywhere in China observing you. If when walking along you point to something, everyone in sight will look to see what you are pointing at, and if you smile, they will know you are ‘laughing at them’. So don’t point and smile. Don’t point with the index finger, but with the open hand. Teachers in class should note this. To beckon to someone to come to you, keep the palm vertical. With the palm up it is a vulgar gesture.
Check you haven’t developed the bad habit in conversation of pointing at the other person, or waggling your first finger under your colleague’s or student’s nose (like mother to a child at home) or tapping on the table to emphasise what you are saying. Relax! Be cool!
Smiling
As well as a sign of friendliness or humour, Chinese smile or laugh in embarrassing situations. You may see a group of Chinese gathered round a road accident and laughing. It’s not callousness, merely embarrassment. If a Chinese has to disappoint you over a request, he may well give you a big smile and laugh quietly while telling you the bad news.
Therefore, don’t bother giving a big smile to a stranger because you are feeling happy, or want to spread international friendship - it may well be misinterpreted. A friendly nod of the head or a slight bow, for example when being introduced, is suitable and respectful. Persons in menial occupations such as gatekeepers and cleaners are usually ignored, and they appreciate a friendly nod if you see them regularly. Try not to laugh out of embarrassment if you don’t understand what is said to you. They are trying to be polite and friendly. Also, don’t laugh if there is no joke, it just makes you look silly in Chinese eyes. Laughing at Chinglish also gives offence.
Thank yous
Don’t say xiè xiè ‘thank you’ all the time in shops. A polite nod on completion of the transaction is sufficient. The reason is that ‘xiè xiè’ implies an outstanding obligation; but you have got what you want and paid in return, so that’s the end of the matter.
Facial expressions
Try not to frown. The Chinese will think you are angry with them. If you have the habit of thoughtfully wrinkling up your forehead when giving thought to a matter, attempt to let your Chinese friends know this is a Western mannerism.
If the person you are speaking to gazes around the room or looks to one side, do not take offence; he or she is just being polite. Shopkeepers and others who are not used to foreigners may appear offhand, for example ‘rudely’ shouting to someone else across you, but this may just be to cover their embarrassment.